PotC 2: Norrington's Revenge

[mimesere]

Brought to you by latxcvi and myself.


[Pirates come running into the fort; Norrington pulls out a pistol and aims it.]

Norrington: "You would be better served if you left.  Right now."

Pirate #1: "Here now, what's this?"

Norrington: "The Royal Navy is on strike.  Pillage at will.  But the next man who disturbs our peace will earn a bullet between the brows.  Do I make myself clear?"

Pirate #2: "Why should we leave you lot alone?"

[Norrington shoots him.]

Norrington: "Do. I. Make. Myself.  Clear?"

Pirate #1: "Crystal."

Norrington: "Very good."



[Elizabeth and Will come running in]

Will: "Pirates are attacking Port Royal!"

Norrington: "Yes, thank you, Mr. Turner.  I had not realized that the marauding ships flying pirate flags and shooting at the town were in fact attacking it."

Elizabeth: "You must do something!"

Norrington: "No."

Will: "It's your duty!"

Norrington: "Hm.  Yes.  Yes, it is."

Elizabeth: "Well?"

Norrington: "Think of this as an experiment.  As the reality of our world is such that doing one's duty gains nothing save shameless manipulation and the apparent belief in my own idiocy, I am refusing to do my duty.  I fully expect to be lauded as a good man and to achieve the dearest wish of my heart.  Crime, it seems, *does* pay.  Fancy that."

Will: "You're turning pirate? You can't do that!"

Norrington: "I believe that I can, Mr. Turner."

Elizabeth: "But what about all those innocent townsfolk? You can't leave them at the mercy of pirates!"

Norrington: (thoughtfully) "Why, do you mean that pirates are *bad*?  That there people in the world other than myself? Oh, I cannot fathom such a concept."

Elizabeth: "If you will not do it for duty's sake...do it for me!

Norrington: "You *must* be joking."

Elizabeth: "You love me still! I know it! You would do anything for me!"

Norrington: "No."

Will: "You're just going to let pirates sack Port Royal?"

Norrington: "That was the plan, yes."

Elizabeth: "You can't do that!"

Norrington: "Well, I could let the captured pirates out of prison, steal and destroy a ship of his Majesty's Navy, and, in general, be a disaster to the smooth and orderly running of things and by so doing net myself a lovely woman's heart.  Oh, and Will? Do be careful: your Elizabeth has a habit of ruthlessness in pursuit of her desires."

Elizabeth: (gasps)

Will: "You can't say that!"

Norrington: "I can so."

Will: "We only did what we did in the name of true love!"  (coos at Elizabeth who makes googly eyes back at him)

Norrington: (rolling his eyes) "Yes.  That."

Elizabeth: "Oh, James! Do say you will save the town! We will throw a party if you do!"

Norrington: "Oh, a *party*! Where I can lurk in the corners looking morose and not enjoying myself, as every young woman in Port Royal is an utter ninny.  I think not.  I could, however, go dockside and find myself a willing woman who will not be put off by a steady career and a certain degree of wealth."

Elizabeth: "You love me!"

Norrington: "Yes.  I did."

Elizabeth: "You still love me!"

Norrington: "Hm.  No.  No, really, I think I've gotten over it.  Rather like the flu, really."

Elizabeth:  "But I'm the only woman you've ever loved or ever will love!"

Norrington:  "My, but someone thinks rather highly of herself, doesn't she?"

Will:  "But Elizabeth IS irresistible.  I know, for I couldn't resist her myself."

Norrington:  "Yes, well, lucky for us all then, that I'm made of sterner stuff."

Elizabeth: "If Will died tomorrow, you would marry me as soon as it was proper!"

Norrington: "Oh, I would, would I?"

Will: "He would?"

Elizabeth: "Yes!"

Norrington: "No."

Elizabeth: "But...you love me."

Norrington: "Yes.  But you see, when one is jilted and embarrassed in front of society, that does tend to take the bloom off the rose, so to speak."

Will:  "Well, when you put it that way..."

Norrington:  "In terms a child would understand?  No wonder clarity has finally reached the two of you, then."

[Will drags Elizabeth away.  Dimly, we can hear her protesting that surely Norrington will do what she asks.  Enter Jack Sparrow.]

Jack: "Rum?"

Norrington: "You do realize that there is more alcohol in the world than just rum."

Jack: "Yes.  But *apparently* I'm allergic to all other forms of alcohol."

Norrington: "Pity.  At least you get to drink regularly.  I am supposedly some sort of teetotaler."

Jack: "Pardon?"

Norrington: "Also, I can't hold my drink."

Jack: "But you're in the Navy."

Norrington: "Yes."

*
[Hours later.  There are empty bottles lined up on the table ranging from wine to rum to some kind of home brewed rotgut.]

Norrington: (slams his hand down on the table in a creditable imitation of Will) "They've taken Elizabeth!"

Jack: (howling) "Oh Christ.  With me it was, 'My father was not a pirate!' And who would know, eh? Him who never met the man or me who spent yeeeeears on a ship with him?"

Norrington: (very serious, very earnest) "You're a good man, Jack."

Jack: (howling)

Norrington: (snickering helplessly)

Jack: "At least you didn't get his *life story*."

Norrington: "I'm sorry, what?  His...what?"

Jack: "My  hand to God.  'My mother died when I was but a lad and I went in search of my father, William Turner: merchant sailor and good man.  Then EVIL EVIL pirates blew up my ship and I met the beauteous Elizabeth and I have pined after her like Romeo for his Juliet.  O my soul! My heart! My desire! And then I was apprenticed to the drunkard Brown and I have invented miraculous swords the likes of which have never been seen before but no one recognizes my genius!'  Much longer and I would have killed him."

Norrington: "What life?"

Jack: "Oh! The *best* part is the sword practice three hours a day!"

Norrington: (choking on laughter) "Surely you jest."

Jack: "I'm dead serious."

Norrington: "Three *hours*?"

Jack: "I told him he needed a girl."

Norrington: "Or to be put out of his misery.  Three hours a *day*?"

Jack:  "Three hours a day, mate, I swear."

Norrington:  "And no one's ever taught him the value of a well-placed punch?"

Jack: "He's useless without a sword in his hand."

Norrington: "How utterly pointless."

Jack:  "Although he can wield an oar right fierce.  I still think my back tooth is loose thanks to that whelp."

Norrington:  "He hit you with an oar?"

Jack:  "Wait for it - he hit me with an oar and then *left* me on Isla de Muerta.  With the mutinous crew that left me to die once before."

Norrington:  "And *I* get the lecture about clear consciences?!  Bloody whelp."

[Norrington shakes his head, then pours himself and Jack each another glass of cognac.]

Norrington:  "Oh!  Perhaps, being of piratical persuasion and having a rather ... distinct sense of fashion you can explain something to me."

Jack:  "Yes?"

Norrington:  "The hat he wore when he saved you that day?  Is that standard-issue pirate-wear or was he making it up as he went along?"

Jack: "With the feather?"

Norrington: "Yes.  The rather compensatory feather."

Jack: "No pirate with an ounce of self respect would wear it."

Norrington: "And the cape?"

Jack: "Perhaps he believes himself to be some sort of do-gooder? Righting wrongs and all that."

Norrington: "He had the nerve to lecture me on ethics.  Me!  Have I ever acted dishonorably toward anyone?"

Jack: "Well, you were rather devious in tricking me, mate."

Norrington: "Pirate."

Jack: "Yes, there is that."

Norrington:  "And you have to admit, given the fact that you *knew* you had a pirate brand, shaking my hand was rather, uh ... less-than-sharp on your part anyway."

Jack:  "Now, now.  How was I to know you weren't actually trying to make nice with ol' Captain Jack."

Norrington:  "Pirate.  Naval officer.  Naval officer, dead pirate."

Jack:  "Well, yes.  There is that.  Still... Bloody Navy.  Drink your damned cognac."

Norrington: (mournfully) "Jack, we're running out of alcohol."

Jack: "And you haven't passed out yet! Good man."

Norrington: "You should know that I will not let you debauch me."

Jack: "Pity."

Norrington: "Yes.  And I'm not pining for Elizabeth."

Jack: "Never thought you were."

Norrington: "I'm not pining for you, either. Nor am I tormented by the vast ideological gulf between us."

Jack: "Good to know.  You're a practical man."

Norrington: "And you a piratical one."

Jack: "I'm sure we can work out an accord."

[They drink some more.]

Norrington: "Jack?"

Jack: "Hm?"

Norrington: "You don't think I'm a virgin, do you?"

Jack: "Beg pardon?"

Norrington: "A virgin.  Untried in the bed.  New to lovemaking."

Jack: "At your age, I'd certainly hope not."

[Elizabeth and Will come running in again. They are shocked to see Jack and Norrington together.]

Will: (shouting) "He's a good man!"

Norrington: (beating his head against the table)

Elizabeth: "Quickly, Jack! While he's distracted!"

Jack: "You know, if he hasn't hanged me by now I rather doubt he's going to."