god, lj, I'm so sorry
Nov. 24th, 2006 06:13 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mimesereI...failed to know about and, more importantly, to inform you all about the Sci Fi movie marathon this weekend. I have brought shame upon my fandom of three.
OMG Y'ALL, BASILISK: THE SERPENT KING HAS YANCY BUTLER AND JEREMY LONDON AND THE BLACK GUY FROM SLIDERS. IT IS CALLED BASILISK: THE SERPENT KING!
But right now my hard choice is between watching Inferno (global warming kills LA!) or Jurassic Park (raptors! grar!).
And, to make this less embarrassing, some half-assed movie reviews!
I picked up Feast (McSteamy with a shotgun fightin' monsters!) and Blade: Trinity a few days ago so I could, you know, keep on keepin' on with evaluating Eric Dane vs Ryan Reynolds as the Roy Harper in My Head. After much consideration (and ogling and entertained woohoos), I still have to give it to Eric Dane. Ryan Reynolds is very pretty but...I dunno. He seems lacking in a kind of cocky, charming...assishness[*] that I associate with Roy. But my, Ryan is pretty.
Anyway. Feast is...interesting. It's got a high gore factor (my *god* is it a high gore factor) and production-values-wise it is very fond of the jittery camera really fast cuts from weird angles so you can't quite tell what's going on thing that works well some of the time and is just annoying the rest. It's very Sci Fi Original Picture.
The most entertaining part of Feast is how metatextual it is. The movie itself never forgets that it is a monster movie and, especially, it never forgets that the *audience* knows it is a monster movie. The characters are all very flat, but that's okay 'cause it's a schlocky monster movie where people have guns and shoot things and there's lots of fountaining blood. What *is* hilarious about the characters is their introductions. Without fail, they're all introduced with title cards that give their name, occupation, and life expectancy. As for example, Eric Dane's character is introduced with:
Name: Hero
Occupation: Kicking Ass
Life Expectancy: Pretty goddamn good
Which is, of course, then completely fucked with when he's killed like two seconds later. And *that* is what the movie does really well. It takes all of the expectations of the monster horror movie and kills them all horribly in increasingly ridiculous ways. And by "them," I mean both the expectations and the characters. Characters comment on tropes of the genre, the movie itself comments on tropes of the genre (mostly via the title cards, but there's at least one point at which I was genuinely surprised by what the movie did).
So, I'm not upset that I rented it, but I would have been upset if I had bought it. It's not...okay, the best comparison I have for it is Minotaur. Because both movies have a high enough budget that they *should* be better, but somehow they miss the mark on Totally Crap Yet Highly Entertaining like, say, Mammoth or Raptor (GRAR! raptors represent!). But unlike Minotaur, Feast is saved from crapulence by at least being witty about its subject matter rather than earnest.
Possibly this half-assed review will only make sense to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
fox1013. But that is okay.
Blade: Trinity
I admit, I totally watched this movie for the pretty factor. Wesley Snipes is hot, Jessica Biel is *so* hot, and Ryan Reynolds is also hot. And there was fighting and guns and bows and things going BOOM! Also, Parker Posey and Callum Keith Rennie and Triple H and Dominic Purcell (hi John Doe! Hi!). Hot in OH SO DIFFERENT ways.
And man, that was a stupid movie. Shallow and happymaking! But completely dumb. Which does not mean that I didn't like it. I totally liked it enough to buy it when the Blade trilogy set goes on sale for like, half off. But, you know, Mammoth was better written. And yes, Mammoth is the standard against which all science fiction horror action movie type things are judged.
How does having lots of tiny bones like a snake mean that Dominic Purcell will somehow look like Kris Kristofferson? Or the mandible guy? Ryan Reynolds was a vampire? And then he wasn't because Blind Natasha Lyonne cured him hey look! an elephant! And that won't work on Blade why? And why did Ryan Reynolds and Jessica Biel just leave Blade's body? That does not make sense. It *tried* to be a well-written movie and failed so hard. Yet, I like it, because it was pretty and I totally bet that Parker Posey and Callum Keith Rennie totally had incestuous vampire threesomes with vampire!Ryan Reynolds. I also greatly enjoyed the completely gratuitous Jessica Biel Naked In a Shower scene. And the vampire pomeranian. And Ryan Reynolds was charming. In like, ten years, he will achieve the level of Cocky Smarmy Charming Asshole that I require in my cheerful action heroes.
Feast is a $6.99 and below movie, Blade: Trinity is a $9.99 and below movie.
*I think Roy Harper is charming, mostly shallow, kind of an asshole, incredibly well-meaning, and prone to leaping conclusion-wards. But mostly, I think he is a *joyful* character. And I like my joyful action heroes to be charming, assholish, competent bastards. Because okay, my basic feeling on them (and on Roy in particular) is that they are good at what they do and you can respect them for that, but the rest of the time you just kind of laugh at them 'cause they are OTT with the "How YOU doin'?" and yet you are charmed anyway because you know they'll, like, totally have your back and probably say that you have a nice ass while they're doing it. I do not know why I find them charming, but I totally do. Whatever, I am totally fucking shallow and I'm okay with that.
Man, I totally fucking need a Raptor icon. Or a Mammoth one.
OMG Y'ALL, BASILISK: THE SERPENT KING HAS YANCY BUTLER AND JEREMY LONDON AND THE BLACK GUY FROM SLIDERS. IT IS CALLED BASILISK: THE SERPENT KING!
But right now my hard choice is between watching Inferno (global warming kills LA!) or Jurassic Park (raptors! grar!).
And, to make this less embarrassing, some half-assed movie reviews!
I picked up Feast (McSteamy with a shotgun fightin' monsters!) and Blade: Trinity a few days ago so I could, you know, keep on keepin' on with evaluating Eric Dane vs Ryan Reynolds as the Roy Harper in My Head. After much consideration (and ogling and entertained woohoos), I still have to give it to Eric Dane. Ryan Reynolds is very pretty but...I dunno. He seems lacking in a kind of cocky, charming...assishness[*] that I associate with Roy. But my, Ryan is pretty.
Anyway. Feast is...interesting. It's got a high gore factor (my *god* is it a high gore factor) and production-values-wise it is very fond of the jittery camera really fast cuts from weird angles so you can't quite tell what's going on thing that works well some of the time and is just annoying the rest. It's very Sci Fi Original Picture.
The most entertaining part of Feast is how metatextual it is. The movie itself never forgets that it is a monster movie and, especially, it never forgets that the *audience* knows it is a monster movie. The characters are all very flat, but that's okay 'cause it's a schlocky monster movie where people have guns and shoot things and there's lots of fountaining blood. What *is* hilarious about the characters is their introductions. Without fail, they're all introduced with title cards that give their name, occupation, and life expectancy. As for example, Eric Dane's character is introduced with:
Name: Hero
Occupation: Kicking Ass
Life Expectancy: Pretty goddamn good
Which is, of course, then completely fucked with when he's killed like two seconds later. And *that* is what the movie does really well. It takes all of the expectations of the monster horror movie and kills them all horribly in increasingly ridiculous ways. And by "them," I mean both the expectations and the characters. Characters comment on tropes of the genre, the movie itself comments on tropes of the genre (mostly via the title cards, but there's at least one point at which I was genuinely surprised by what the movie did).
So, I'm not upset that I rented it, but I would have been upset if I had bought it. It's not...okay, the best comparison I have for it is Minotaur. Because both movies have a high enough budget that they *should* be better, but somehow they miss the mark on Totally Crap Yet Highly Entertaining like, say, Mammoth or Raptor (GRAR! raptors represent!). But unlike Minotaur, Feast is saved from crapulence by at least being witty about its subject matter rather than earnest.
Possibly this half-assed review will only make sense to
fox1013. But that is okay.Blade: Trinity
I admit, I totally watched this movie for the pretty factor. Wesley Snipes is hot, Jessica Biel is *so* hot, and Ryan Reynolds is also hot. And there was fighting and guns and bows and things going BOOM! Also, Parker Posey and Callum Keith Rennie and Triple H and Dominic Purcell (hi John Doe! Hi!). Hot in OH SO DIFFERENT ways.
And man, that was a stupid movie. Shallow and happymaking! But completely dumb. Which does not mean that I didn't like it. I totally liked it enough to buy it when the Blade trilogy set goes on sale for like, half off. But, you know, Mammoth was better written. And yes, Mammoth is the standard against which all science fiction horror action movie type things are judged.
How does having lots of tiny bones like a snake mean that Dominic Purcell will somehow look like Kris Kristofferson? Or the mandible guy? Ryan Reynolds was a vampire? And then he wasn't because Blind Natasha Lyonne cured him hey look! an elephant! And that won't work on Blade why? And why did Ryan Reynolds and Jessica Biel just leave Blade's body? That does not make sense. It *tried* to be a well-written movie and failed so hard. Yet, I like it, because it was pretty and I totally bet that Parker Posey and Callum Keith Rennie totally had incestuous vampire threesomes with vampire!Ryan Reynolds. I also greatly enjoyed the completely gratuitous Jessica Biel Naked In a Shower scene. And the vampire pomeranian. And Ryan Reynolds was charming. In like, ten years, he will achieve the level of Cocky Smarmy Charming Asshole that I require in my cheerful action heroes.
Feast is a $6.99 and below movie, Blade: Trinity is a $9.99 and below movie.
*I think Roy Harper is charming, mostly shallow, kind of an asshole, incredibly well-meaning, and prone to leaping conclusion-wards. But mostly, I think he is a *joyful* character. And I like my joyful action heroes to be charming, assholish, competent bastards. Because okay, my basic feeling on them (and on Roy in particular) is that they are good at what they do and you can respect them for that, but the rest of the time you just kind of laugh at them 'cause they are OTT with the "How YOU doin'?" and yet you are charmed anyway because you know they'll, like, totally have your back and probably say that you have a nice ass while they're doing it. I do not know why I find them charming, but I totally do. Whatever, I am totally fucking shallow and I'm okay with that.
Man, I totally fucking need a Raptor icon. Or a Mammoth one.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2006-11-25 02:19 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-11-25 02:23 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-11-25 02:26 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-11-25 02:27 am (UTC)Wow, this totally sounds like a normal day on AIM for us.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-11-25 02:30 am (UTC)Possibly, in fact? EVEN MORE AWESOME for that very reason.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-11-25 02:37 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-11-25 02:20 am (UTC)What more can you ask for, really?
(no subject)
Date: 2006-11-25 02:22 am (UTC)Alex is totally one!
(no subject)
Date: 2006-11-25 03:31 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-11-25 04:00 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-11-25 07:19 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-11-25 03:39 am (UTC)OMG, when does it air! Must watch!
(no subject)
Date: 2006-11-25 04:01 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-11-25 07:44 am (UTC)...
!!!
I think you just broke me. . .
It's all about Ryan Reynolds' hipbones in this movie. And the tat. Yeah. . . .
(no subject)
Date: 2006-11-25 08:10 am (UTC)Man, that'd be a hot, fucked up threesome.
And Ryan Reynolds' hipbones were very very nice. As were Jessica Biel's shoulders. My, yes.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-11-25 04:24 pm (UTC)Oh, Blade: Trinity, I already love you and I haven't even seen you yet.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-11-25 06:03 pm (UTC)Dude, LaT, Dominic Purcell spends half his time in the movie dressed like a Russian gigolo mobster. It's *awesome*.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-11-26 04:54 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-11-26 09:47 pm (UTC)