mimesere | fic: pretty in ink (fob/mcr)

It's...4000+ words of chatfic cracktacularity. There is a distinct excess of cussing and a distinct lack of consistent POV. But what the hell, I think it's kind of funny.

mimesere: you know, I bet Andy is somewhere on tour going, "It's as if millions of voices cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced."

ladysorka: Heh, yes.

ladysorka: ...Ryan totally immediately sent a picture to Pete, which made Pete, Joe, and Andy blink a lot.

mimesere: also? Andy and Joe and Pete are now *very* protective of Patrick's tattoo virginity

mimesere: they are possibly more protective of it than Patrick is.

ladysorka: ...and possibly they're calling up Spencer and Jon and going "Look, not unless we're *there*, okay?"

ladysorka: And they are *completely* protective of Patrick.

ladysorka: (Patrick is probably the kind of guy who, if he ever did get a tattoo, it would be one he'd thought about for, like, two years. And possibly had someone draw on him once to make sure. And then not get it until it would commemorate something. And bring people with him. )

mimesere: he has to vet it with all three of them, especially Andy

ladysorka: Yes! And he completely would. He bows to their superior tattoo knowledge.

mimesere: and Andy's got *rules*. Pete would be like, "no, whatever, follow your bliss." and Joe's also kind of chill about it. But Andy's like, "Look, it's a lifelong commitment, Patrick. It's like *marriage*."

ladysorka: Which is obviously not the way Pete thinks as, you know, Jack Skellington. And his finger saying "ssr" for second star to the right.

ladysorka: I mean, would you want Jack Skellington on your arm at 72?

mimesere: if I were emo like Pete, maybe

ladysorka: Hee

mimesere: but even Andy has a hard time wrapping his head around the idea of Patrick getting a tattoo

ladysorka: I mean, really, if he's been around Pete, Joe, and Andy for so long and hasn't gotten one *yet*....

mimesere: but like. Andy is very concerned for Patrick's tattoo virginity. That's what he calls it and Joe laughs at him, but Pete mostly understands. because it's *Patrick*. So it is totally tattoo virginity

mimesere: and it's not like, you know, Andy would force anyone to get tattoo if they don't want one, but. He loves his tattoos and he thinks that if Patrick gets the right one, it will...something. Maybe give Patrick that extra sort of swaggery thing that he lacks. But it has to be the right one and the problem is that Andy can't think of what the right one for Patrick would be and normally he's very very good at knowing what flavor of tattoo his friends should get. It's like gaydar, but with ink and fewer blowjobs.

One day, Patrick comes in and they can all CLEARLY SEE something that looks a lot like ink curling over the nape of his neck. They are shocked! And a little bit horrified! And betrayed!

Because seriously, it's not that they don't trust Patrick to have good taste, but. They don't really trust Patrick to have good taste. They have seen the horrors perpetrated by young people with no taste!

Andy is secretly terrified that Patrick's gotten like, a music note or something. He's *really* terrified that Patrick went and did something incredibly maudlin like get the first few bars of Dance Dance tattooed on his back. If he did, it will make Andy cry.

Pete feels betrayed because what the fuck, how did Patrick not include him? And Joe is just worried that Andy is going to cry.

Andy says, in tones of great disappointment, "Oh, *Patrick*."

Patrick's all, "What? What?" because seriously, why is everyone looking at him like he just killed a puppy and ate it? Except now he totally wonders what they would find more horrifying: the killing of the puppy or the eating it.

They all want to go over and pull the collar of his shirt aside and look, but then they'll see and it will be real.

Manfully, Andy lets it go. They have a concert to do and no one wants Patrick to be pissy right before a concert. Plus maybe Pete can see it during the show. Pete will break it gently to him.

But even Pete can't bring himself to undress Patrick on stage in front of thousands of screaming kids. Patrick would *kill* him. He does get close enough, though, to see that it's something and that there's more of it under the shirt. Andy is so totally going to cry.

When they're done with the show, they linger with the guys from +44 and Gabe. There will be a scene, even though they are totally the wronged ones in this situation, because hello, there was an *agreement*. But eventually they have to go back and Patrick keeps giving them these looks like they're crazy and then! Then! He tries to sneak away before showing them.

Even Brendon knew better than to not show them. Of course, Brendon liked his, so that didn't say a lot.

"You guys are being really creepy," says Patrick. "And I really, really want to shower."

"Show us," says Andy. He's heartbroken. It was going to be a beautiful experience. He'd take Patrick to his favorite guy and they'd have it all ready and Andy would hold Patrick's hand and it would be awesome. But no. Patrick has thrown away his tattoo virginity on some asshole from like, fucking Iowa. What do they know about tattoos in Iowa?

"Show you *what*? Why are you all being so weird?"

Pete looks at him reproachfully. "Patrick. We know, okay? We have eyes."

"You have crazy eyes! That are seeing things. What the fuck, guys?"

"You got a tattoo!" says Joe finally. "On your *back*."

"I did *not*!" Patrick is totally outraged.

Now the three of them are all looking at each other. "Um, you did," says Joe. "We can see it." He motions at the back of his neck vaguely.

Pete nods. Andy just puts his head in his hands. It was even worse than he'd thought. Patrick doesn't remember getting a tattoo. That's never a good sign.

"If this is some kind of joke, I'll." Patrick stops. He can't actually think of something bad enough to do to them. Fuckers. Like he'd break the agreement. He peels out of his jacket and pulls aside the collar of his shirt to try to see his own back, but he can't. "Fuck," he says. "You're such assholes." And then he's pulling the shirt off and he still can't see anything, but the rest of them can and it's.

"Huh," says Andy.

It's not bad.

"Dude," says Joe.

Pete puts his hand on Patrick's shoulder and turns him around. "It's smudgey."

"What the *fuck*, guys? This isn't fucking funny."

Patrick stomps over to the bathroom and tries to see, and he can see *something* but not everything and Pete hands him a mirror. It's fucking elaborate, is what it is and it takes up pretty much all of Patrick's back, all in black and blue and gold. Van Gogh's Starry Night, all swirls of color and a moon on his shoulder.

"Oh," he says.

"Oh?" says Pete. "That's not. That's not one night's amount of work."

"No," says Patrick absently. "It is."

"Why is it all smudgey?" says Joe.

"Because I sweat like it's hell out there?" says Patrick. "Goddammit."

Andy is torn between relief that it's not fucking awful and still feeling betrayed that Patrick didn't take him. Except... "Pete's right. That's not one night's worth of work."

"No, it's not. Gerard must have drawn it."

That stops everyone. "Gerard," says Pete delicately.

"Mm." Patrick's angling the mirror so he can get a better view. "Wow, I can't pull this shit off at *all*."

"Gerard drew on you," says Pete. "And you didn't notice?"

"I was really tired?" offers Patrick.

"So tired you slept through him taking your clothes off and drawing Van Gogh on you."

"He didn't take my clothes off!" Patrick is back to being offended.

"He didn't draw that through your shirt!"

"*I* took my clothes off, asshole." It occurs to him a second later that maybe that wasn't the smartest thing he could have said. "Um," says Patrick. "So. Hey. How about those Bears?"

Andy is suddenly much happier with life. Patrick hasn't thrown away his tattoo virginity! He's just gone to like, tattoo third base and that's fine.

Joe wishes he had popcorn.

Then, "Hold on," says Andy, "Gerard's in Iowa?"

And Patrick is blushing. "They had a break."

"So Gerard flew to *Iowa*?"

Pete is still a few pages back. "You took your clothes off for Gerard?"

"Yes," says Patrick. "He flew to Iowa and I took my clothes off."

Seriously, Joe wishes he had popcorn.

"And then," says Patrick, because he doesn't like the look in Pete's eye, "*then* he totally fucked my brains out. We had great sex. I totally blew him. *And* I swallowed."

Now Andy wishes he had popcorn.

Pete makes a sound like their van used to do before it shuddered to a halt on the side of some shitty interstate.

Joe leans over and whispers to Andy. "This is better than Cinemax."

"It's gay," says Andy. "So Showtime."

Pete sputters.

Patrick is trying to think of other things he can say, but he's pretty sure most of the really graphic stuff he can think of are stories Pete's told him. He's so mad! Because first of all, Pete thought he would have violated The Agreement, which he wouldn't have because a) he's not stupid and b) it would have made Andy cry.

And oh yes, Patrick knows about Andy's plans for Patrick's Beautiful Experience Losing His Tattoo Virginity.

Second of all, seriously, what the fuck? Pete has sex with everyone and Patrick is supposed to just smile and say, "Hey, flavor of the week, pass me the ketchup." And third of all, it's Gerard. Like Pete wouldn't hit that in a second. Except for how Mikey would kill him.

"Also?" says Patrick, because he knows Pete's ramping up to say something stupid. He does this weird thing with his mouth when he's going to say something that will make Patrick mad. "I totally went down on--" quick, quick, think of someone that's not Mikey because Pete would kill Patrick. "Bob."

"Bob," says Pete. "Bryar."

"I have a thing for drummers," says Patrick primly.

"Bob."

"Bob motherfucking Bryar," says Patrick. "I'd've done Ray, too, but he was asleep."

Andy will never admit it, never, but really, the mental image of Patrick going down on Ray Toro is kind of hot. Ray is on his dude exception list.

Joe does an eyebrow thing at Andy and Andy shrugs. He's got no fucking clue what's going on. Well, except that clearly Pete is jealous. And that Patrick going down on Ray is *really* hot. Because of the mouths.

Patrick has also just made the list.

"You did not," says Pete.

Patrick nods and wishes that he could put his shirt back on, because he feels stupid standing here with Van Gogh on his back and Pete glaring at him and Andy sort of looking at his--okay, wait, what *is* Andy looking at? He reaches up and brushes a little at his mouth, 'cause shit, if he's got something there then his dignity is just *shot* -- and Joe is all wide-eyed and he's so, so, so embarrassed.

Fuck, and now he's blushing.

"I did so." Patrick nods again, very firmly. "I am like a *pro* at blowjobs. You can ask them."

He reaches for his Blackberry and holds it out to Pete, daring him to take it.

"Fine," says Pete. "I will."

"Fine," says Patrick. "You do that."

"Seriously," says Joe. "Better than Showtime."

Pete's eyebrows twitch when he sees Gerard's name at the top of Patrick's recently called list. But he glares at Patrick and calls it anyway, because right, Patrick had sex with My Chemical Romance. Right.

"Hey, Patrick," says Gerard cheerfully. "I didn't think you'd call tonight."

"Hey, no, Gerard, it's me," says Pete. He's not going to kill Gerard with the power of his mind. He is not.

"Oh, hey, Pete." He sounds disappointed. Maybe he can maim? Maiming is good. "I have a question for you," says Pete carefully. Patrick just gives him stubborn face and Pete glares at him. "Did you and Patrick have mindblowing sex last night?"

"Well," says Gerard. "*That's* not awkward."

"Just fucking answer the fucking question," snaps Pete.

"Twice," says Gerard. "Give the phone back to Patrick."

"I have another question," says Pete.

Patrick rolls his eyes.

Pete ignores him. "Did he blow Bob?"

"Define 'blow'," says Gerard. Pete can practically hear the quote marks.

Patrick is smirking at him.

"Look, Pete," says Gerard. "No matter what I answer, you're gonna be mad."

"I'm not mad! I'm smiling right now. It is a friendly question. So really. Did he?"

"Seriously, give the phone back--" "

"Gerard. Did Patrick have oral sex with Bob Bryar, yes or no?"

"Yes," says Gerard. "It was really fucking hot, 'cause he does this thing, right? With his mouth. I mean, you've seen his mouth. And Bob is, you know. He's Bob and he's all quiet unless he gets really into it and then it's these *noises*."

Pete is going to kill Gerard. "Noises," he says flatly. "From Bob."

"Yeah," says Gerard. He sounds cheerful again. "He says to tell Patrick he's sorry about the hair."

Patrick smirks even harder at Pete. "I hate you," says Pete to Patrick.

"I told you," says Patrick. "I give head like a pro."

"Bob says he's sorry about the hair."

Pete is not going to kill Gerard. Or Bob. Or Patrick. Andy makes a sound. Pete can kill Andy, he's pretty sure.

"And Ray?"

"Dude," says Gerard. And then it's muffled and Pete can just make out Gerard saying something about blowjobs. Pete's eye is twitching.

"Hey, Pete," says Ray. "No, Gee, I've got this. It's cool."

"Hi, Ray," says Pete. He is totally calm.

Andy makes another sound. And even Joe is sitting up straighter. Pete fucking hates Ray Toro.

Patrick's eyes widen a little and he fidgets.

"Gee says you've got a question for me?"

"Yeah," says Pete. "Um. Hey, has Patrick ever gone down on you? Like. Recently?"

"How recently?" asks Ray.

"Last night recently."

"Um," says Ray.

In the background, Pete can hear Gerard say, "yeah, last night. After Patrick and I had sex twice." And Bob! Bob fucking Bryar! says "He went down on me. I don't see why you get to duck out of it." And there's someone giggling. Pete hates everyone.

"Dude," says Ray.

"Toro, just--"

"He's really good at it, Pete," says Ray in a rush. "He does. I don't even know how to explain it. It's. He's really, really good and you know, I know from good head."

"Oh my god," says Pete to Patrick. "You gangbanged My Chemical Romance?" And he can't help it, his voice totally goes nuts on him at the end. "REALLY?"

Andy chokes and Joe says, "Holy shit, seriously?"

"Not all of them," says Patrick. He's not looking at Pete. "I mean. Mikey and Frankie are married."

Andy wonders if it's too late to recant his heterosexuality.

Ray's still talking in Pete's ear and it's. Pete thinks he might cry. "Pete?" says Ray. "It wasn't really a gangbang."

The giggling in the background gets louder for a second before he hears someone say, "You fucker, what the fuck?" but Pete can't quite tell who it is. "No?" says Pete.

"It wasn't all at once."

"God," says Patrick, "you are a complete *asshole*, Pete."

"I'm not the one having an orgy with people!"

"Gimme the phone!" says someone -- Mikey? -- and Ray says, "No, hold on, I want to hear--"

"Pete?" says Mikey.

"Oh fuck no," says Pete.

"Seriously, *such* an asshole."

"With MIKEY?" and Pete's not shrieking. He's not.

"I did not have an orgy with My Chemical Romance, you *fucker*."

"No," says Mikey. "He's telling the truth."

"Mikey, I swear to fuck--"

"Just with Gerard. They're noisy."

"Mikey, put Gerard back on the phone. Wait, no, seriously, did Patrick have sex with you?"

"No!" says Mikey and Patrick at the same time.

"No sex at all? No blowjobs? No handjobs? Nothing?"

"No. I think he went down on Gerard, though. Because Gee's all fucking happy today and he's got ink in his bed."

"MIKEY," bellows Gerard. "We don't share!"

Patrick's turning red again.

There's noise at the other end like Mikey's dropped the phone and there's a herd of elephants trampling all over it.

"Hello?" says someone. "Pete?"

"Bob," says Pete.

"Yeah. Patrick didn't blow me."

"Thank you," says Pete.

"He could though. If he wanted."

"Over my dead fucking body," says Gerard.

Andy is obscurely disappointed. Truthfully, so is Joe.

"No one had sex with Patrick," says Gerard.

"You said you did," says Pete. "Twice."

"It's called lying, Pete."

"And you said Bob made noises."

"Bob does make noises. They're good ones, too."

"So, no sex. With any of you." He's glaring at Patrick who is glaring at him. "Don't fuck around with me on this one."

"Why?" asks Gerard. "You jealous?"

"I'm not jealous!"

"Pete," says Mikey faintly, "you are *so* fucking jealous."

"No, Patrick did not have sex with any of us last night," says Gerard. "I spilled coffee on him and then he fell asleep."

"And then you drew on him."

"Fuck yes," says Gerard. "Wouldn't you?"

That is a good point, thinks Pete. "Wait."

"Hm?"

"Last night?"

"Shit," says Gerard.

"Was there another night where he did have sex with any of you?"

"It was a while ago," says Gerard.

"Oh my *god*, Pete," says Patrick.

Okay, a while ago Pete can't be mad at. He can't. He *is*. "Was he good?" asks Pete.

"Um. Yeah?" Gerard says it like Pete's retarded.

"Okay," says Pete. "Okay. I'm. I'm going to hang up now and then I am going to kill my lead singer."

"Oh, Pete, don't do that." Gerard sounds genuinely concerned. "He's totally been saving himself for you. It'd be really sad if he died before you two consummated your relationship."

"I hate you, Gerard," says Pete.

"You won't," says Gerard.

"I'm hanging up now."

"Tell Patrick to call us!"

Pete ends the call and glares at Patrick. "What the *fuck*?"

"You're a dick," says Patrick. "I'm totally not going to have sex with you now."

"Who says I want to have sex with you?" shouts Pete.

Andy and Joe raise their hands.

"You really do," says Patrick.

Pete crosses his arms across his chest. "I really don't." Fuck, he sounds like he's five.

"Pete."

"You can't be *that* good."

"I really am."

"I would totally have heard about it if you were!"

"...Oh," says Andy suddenly.

"What?" says Pete, but Andy's looking at Patrick. Andy waves a hand. "Is that why they let you drum?"

Now Patrick just looks insulted. "Okay, I didn't have to sleep my way onto Bob's drum kit."

"Bob's *really* scary about his drums."

"I didn't sleep my way onto Bob's drum kit!"

"I mean, really scary," says Andy.

"I did not sleep my way onto Bob's drum kit," says Patrick again. "I'm not saying I didn't sleep with him, 'cause I did, but I got to drum for them 'cause I knew the songs."

Andy squints at Patrick. "Did you sleep with Ray?"

Pete hates them both.

"Um," says Patrick. "Maybe."

He's blushing again which means, *fuck*, he totally did. Pete so hates everyone in the world.

Andy nods slowly. "Okay," he says. "I've still got dibs on your tattoo virginity, right?"

Patrick shrugs. "Yeah? Who else would I go to for that?"

"Right," says Andy. "Okay! So, I'm going to go to my room now and reconsider my sexuality."

"...yay?" says Patrick.

"Does Ray make noises?" asks Andy.

"Dude exception?" says Joe. "I hear that."

Pete sulks. "I hate you all. Seriously."

Patrick shrugs again. "He's kind of um."

"Um?" Andy motions for Patrick to continue.

"He's uh. He knows what he likes," says Patrick.

Pete wants to be mad, he really really does, because seriously. Ray Toro does not get dibs on Patrick. And neither does Bob or Gerard or whoever. Except, fuck, now he's thinking of Ray Toro knowing what he likes.

And he's also totally thinking of Ray Toro telling *Patrick* what he likes. Which, fuck. "I hate you," says Pete.

Patrick looks a little embarrassed.

The thing is, Andy has seen a *lot* of gay porn. Like, really a lot. Way too much for someone who isn't. And now he's got all these images in his head of -- "Warped?" he asks and Patrick nods -- on the tour bus, and Ray being...Ray.

"Good hands," says Joe dreamily.

"He talks a lot," says Patrick. "Um. And I'm gonna stop. Talking."

"Right. Um. I'm gonna go now," says Andy. He stands up.

"And reconsider your sexuality," says Pete. "I told you no one was that straight."

"Fuck you," says Andy. "Like you don't have that mental picture in your head now."

"Even I've got it," says Joe. "And I'm pretty fucking straight."

Okay, point. He does have it in his head. Because if Mikey hadn't been there, Pete would totally have gone for it. Once, he'd even tried to talk Mikey into it, but Mikey had punched him and called him an asshole and threatened to tell everyone what Pete said and then *they'd* kick his ass to defend Mikey's honor.

Mikey was not great with the sharing. It was one of the many things that they had in common.

But, yes. Pictures! And Ray talking. And Patrick being too busy for talking. "Fuck, Patrick," says Pete.

"I'm gonna go," says Joe. "Not to reconsider my sexuality or anything. 'Cause I'm pretty sure it's a Dude Exception, but like. You know."

Pete mostly ignores him as he follows Andy out. "Ray?"

"Backstage after their set," says Patrick matter of factly. "The one I sat in on?"

Pete nods.

"Yeah, it turns out that I *really* like drumming."

Pete has to sit down. "And?"

"It also turns out that Ray really likes performing."

And he can *see* it. He can. Because clearly God hates him. Or loves him best.

"I'm gonna go shower now," says Patrick. He scratches his hip a little. "And we can forget that this ever happened, right?"

"No," says Pete faintly. "I don't think we can."

"No, really."

"Yeah, um. Don't go shower yet, okay?"

He's...okay, yeah, Pete is going to kill Gerard. But later. After he's had a chance to appreciate the drawing.

"Pete--"

"I think you should take off your pants now."

"I'm so not having sex with you right now."

"That's okay. I'm gonna have sex with you though. And like. You can tell me what Ray said." Pete pulls off his hoodie and shirt in one go. "Seriously, dude, your pants need to come off."

"I have a headache," says Patrick.

"Patrick."

"This is not my beautiful experience," he says.

"It will be," says Pete. Now that he's looking and not totally blinded by insane jealousy, he can see the licks of ink that curl around Patrick's ribs and sneak down below the waistline of his jeans.

"You thought I had an orgy with My Chemical Romance." Patrick is making no moves to take off his pants. He sounds kind of pissy about it.

"Yeah," says Pete. And it's...all he needs to do is remember that it didn't happen and he's okay with it. Also: "You can totally do it as long as I get to watch."

"Oh my *god*," says Patrick. "Are you naturally this much of an asshole or does it take practice?"

"Both," says Pete. Because really, yeah. "Look, you can punch me after, but I think I really want to blow you now."

Patrick blinks. Victory is Pete's!

"What are you thinking, Patrick?"

"Of punching you," he says, but his heart's not in it. "This is a bad idea."

"Gerard says to call them after."

"Pete."

"Patrick."

"*Pete*. Seriously."

"Seriously, nothing. You're gonna take off your pants and I'm gonna make sweet, sweet love to you -- don't laugh, dick, I'm serious -- and I will totally make you forget going down on Ray Toro backstage at Warped 'cause I'm that fucking good. And then we're gonna sleep. And then I'm going to do it all again tomorrow."

Patrick exhales sharply and he starts to say something but Pete cuts him off. "And *then*, you're gonna call Gerard and you're going to tell him all the things I'm doing to you while you're on the phone with him."

Patrick just stares at him and he's breathing a little faster and he's biting his bottom lip which means Pete has so totally won.

"And what am I doing in this scenario?"

"Talking," says Pete. "Telling me what you like."

"You're such an asshole."

"You're not naked yet."

"If we fuck this up, I get Andy and Joe in the divorce."

"Deal," says Pete. "We're not gonna fuck this up. Take off your pants."

And Patrick does.

The end.